Twenty years ago, I lived in a constant state of “not good enough”.
I felt inferior to everyone I met, which caused social anxiety and forced me to avoid social gatherings and meeting other people.
I never believed in myself or my abilities. Low confidence and self-doubt shot me down whenever I attempted something new and worthwhile. Which kept me stuck in an inescapable state of mediocrity.
And made me beat myself up for my failure to become more than the pathetic disappointment I was.
I lay awake at night, worrying about the awful things other people may say or think about me. Overanalysing every interaction that day, to gauge where I had made a fool of myself, and how long it would be until I would be rejected. And anxious about the terrifying tasks of the next day that always seemed overwhelming and too big to handle.
In relationships, I was a pushover and people pleaser because I felt unacceptable and unlovable. And hoped I could buy some love if I pleased and served non-stop. As a consequence, people often took advantage of me, my relationships were mostly one-sided, and I was unhappy.
And I was so used to hiding my true Self that I didn’t even know who I was anymore, what I wanted from life. I just tried to get through each day without humiliating myself or being criticised or having a panic attack.
And it took all the strength I had not to hate my worthless butt. I had dreams, hopes and goals. But they seemed unreachable, ridiculous pipe dreams of a chronic loser who would never amount to anything.
In one word, my life was suffering.
All because I didn’t know 20 things about low self-worth I know today.